Things are changing for me. A lot. Sometimes I just have to stop and take a breath because it feels so unbelievable. I still can't believe I'm getting married! This year has really taken me for a ride. I shared back at the beginning of the week that I had a God moment I wanted to share with you all. Hang in there with me because this one is going to be a long one!
After all the drama with my niece and nephews' custody, I was really close to a nervous breakdown. Anyone who has known me for even a short period of time knows I love those kids like they're my own. At the end of last year, I was in a very bad place. I was so heartbroken over everything that was happening and out of nowhere one day I could hear God speaking so clearly to me. He told me to let it go and stop worrying because He's in control. Am I talking to anyone here? Does anyone else hold onto things like I do? I think we all tend to hold onto certain things in our lives because we think we can handle it. The truth is, we usually make a bigger mess than we had when we started. We tend to criticize others for not "letting go and letting God" but we all do that.
At the beginning of the year I really began working on that in my life. There were several areas that I knew I needed to let go of and allow God to work His perfect will in. I can't tell you it was easy. I can't say it happened overnight. I can't even tell you that I liked letting go. I'm a control freak by nature and it wasn't easy at all. I CAN tell you it was SO worth it! A weight that I had carried for so long was lifted. My favorite verse during that time and for this whole year has been Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It's plain as day and in black and white. He knows what His plans for our life is and He is not going to do anything that will cause harm. He's going to take care of us. He knows when a sparrow falls, surely I am worth so much more to Him. He knows exactly what I need. I have this verse on a plaque in my kitchen window so I am reminded of it everyday.
I began applying this verse to areas of my life, one by one. I began seeing such a difference. It's just unexplainable. One of the areas that I turned completely over to God was my dating life. I told God I was going to focus on making myself a better person and more acceptable as a potential wife and I was going to leave the rest to Him. He knew the desire of my heart and that I wanted a Godly husband. Imagine my surprise when I got a friend request and a message on Facebook back in April from someone that things had just fallen through and never worked out with before. God's timing is always perfect. He knew I wasn't ready before. I was this time and as they say, the rest is history.
The biggest and hardest change has been changing churches. Most of you know I was the music director at Zion Hill for 4 years. I had attended there for 6 years. I was there during some of the hardest times of my life and there are no words to even say how much I love and appreciate everything the members there have done for me. They were honestly my family. Not seeing them every week is just so heartbreaking. I've cried every Sunday since my last week there. The truth is that things will just never be the same.
Sometimes we would have these amazing alter services where everyone was just free to pray for their circumstances or for each other. I loved knowing there was nothing I couldn't share with them that they wouldn't support me in and pray for me about. I could just really feel that God is in the process of doing some great things in that church and I couldn't wait to see it all.
I remember sitting in church with Randy a few weeks ago and just praying that God would show me that this change was going to be ok. I knew it wouldn't be the same, but I needed to know He was still working in my life. The services are very different from what I'm used to. There's nothing at all wrong with that. Different is not bad, it's just different. I know this sounds silly, but I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever have that moment again where everyone felt free to pray for each other with abandon and without care that anyone else was audience to the moment.
Fast forward to last week. I got a text from Randy saying our Sunday School teacher was moving. I loved the Sunday School teacher. He was so real and I love real people. Honestly? My first reaction was "Really, God? Seriously?" He gently reminded me that He is still in control and there was something He was working on. Patience is not an area I'm strongest in. Randy has an emotion chart he uses in counseling and he pointed to one of the little girls on it one day with the caption Impatient and said "Look, it's you." Bless his heart. At least he knows what he's getting into.
Sitting in Sunday School this past Sunday God showed up and showed me that things were going to be ok. Just because the surroundings are different and the people are different, He's still the same. The teacher shared with the class how the move came to be and how God worked things out so perfectly that they just knew it was Him. This is when I nearly fell out of my chair. The verse that God had laid on his heart was Jeremiah 29:11.
At another table was the wife of one of Randy's friends. We had gone to their house before and to be honest, it wasn't one of my best first impression moments. I was tired, grouchy and having an overwhelming day. I remember leaving and thinking that they all probably hated me and wasn't sure if they were going to be people I clicked with or not. I don't do well with new people in the beginning. Every insecurity I have usually floats to the surface and I can find about 6-29 more before the end of a meeting, depending on the length of time we are together. All of that changed Sunday morning though. She asked the teacher if he minded her taking time to pray for him and his family. She had no idea how much I needed to know that there were going to be people like that in my new church too. I began to bawl as she prayed. All I could do was thank God that He is in control and even when big changes come our way, He's going to still take care of us.
I'm sure that I've done a very poor job of putting into words the way God spoke to me this week and the way He has comforted me. I'm also sure I may sound offensive when I say what I'm about to say, but please don't take it the wrong way. So many of my friends and family have sympathized with me and listened to me when I was so upset about leaving Zion Hill. I'm trying to do things the way I feel that God expects me to do them. I'm trying to find ways to please God as Randy's future wife and as a Christian. One of those areas is my church. Randy will be the spiritual head and leader of our home. It doesn't make me less important. We will have different roles in our marriage. That's how God designed it. Please don't look at me like I have two heads and nine eyes when I say that in response to your question of why he doesn't change churches. Yes, I am sad about leaving my family at Zion Hill, but please don't ask me why he doesn't change churches. I'm doing what I feel God expects me to do and I know that God always honors obedience. He's already showing me that He's going to take care of those areas in my life that I'm unsure of. I'm definitely where I'm supposed to be.
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