For some time now I have felt that Christians need to be real and just be honest when they're struggling. Hence, the post below. Just a few minutes ago I went over to the LPM Blog and read this post.
Isn't God amazing? He always gives us just what we need.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm angry. I'm filled with guilt. I'm tired. I'm grateful. I'm sad. I'm worried. I'm confused. I'm anxious.
I'm such a mixture of emotions lately.
Just a couple of months ago I found myself dealing with only one emotion really.....depression. I absolutely could not get a grip no matter what I did. I continued thinking something was wrong with me and I just wasn't following God close enough. Finally, after the urging of a few close friends and family members, I went to a doctor. To balance my emotions, hormones and deep depression I was put on medication for the first time in my life. The guilt has been unbearable. I just keep thinking that I should have been able to seek God more and solve this problem. The guilt and anger has only worsened as my depression has retreated. I should be happy about this......but all I feel is failure. Failure that I have to depend on a pill....not God.
I also feel very tired. I can't imagine how or why I can feel so excited to be in God's house one minute but feel like I'm going to a job the next. I'm so grateful that He would use someone as imperfect as I am......but I have moments that I wish He wouldn't. I have moments when I just want to escape from the constant criticism, over-eager church members who feel it's their right to know every detail of my life and I would love to escape from knowing every detail of their life. I have days that I just wish I could go to church, sit on the pew, listen to the sermon and leave. I wish I didn't feel like keeping up with everyone to pray for them. I wish I didn't have that burden. I wish I didn't know all the details of the "behind the scenes" action of church....all the issues going on. It only adds another burden. It only saddens me more.
I'm grateful to read of miracles from other Christians. I love hearing how God is working in their lives. I will never forget how I felt when I read of the miracle of baby Stellan on MckMamma's blog. Doctors told her that her son would surely die. God had other plans for him. After a few months of still celebrating this precious life, now it seems God has changed His mind or something. I find myself weeping over a child I've never met. My heart is SO heavy for a mother who has done nothing but praise her Heavenly Father for sparing her son......and now he is fighting for his life. Now it looks as if she may lose him.
I can't begin to understand why God allows things to happen the way they do. I don't understand His ways at all really. I just know that He always knows what's best. He reminds me of this constantly when I enter those moments of asking Him why he would allow everyone who prayed over this child before he was born to rejoice and believe he was healed, only to allow him to become so dangerously ill just months later.
I don't claim to have all the answers about God and why He does the things He does and makes the decisions that He makes. To be honest, I've stopped trying to have all the answers. The Bible says that His ways are above our ways and His thoughts above our thoughts. He sees the entire picture and we are only seeing a small corner of it. He knows what's best in our lives. No, I don't try to have the answers now. I just try to walk with Him and stay as close as I possibly can so when the storms come I don't have far to reach. I love knowing my Father is close to me and I am close to Him.
I even believe He understands when we are in a place of fear and confusion and asking Him why. He understands when we arrive in a place that we don't even know what to do or think or feel. He understands the sea of emotions I've been swimming in over the last five weeks.
I'm grateful He has been by my side and has never left. I'm grateful He knows what is best for us and that He sees the big picture.
1 Give ear to my words, O LORD,consider my sighing.
2 Listen to my cry for help,my King and my God,for to you I pray.
3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Psalm 5:1-3
No comments:
Post a Comment