Dealing With Conflict

Conflict. It's not something that is enjoyable, pleasurable or even easy to deal with. It is, however, a reality. Especially if you are a leader in a church. I like to share my experiences as a music director. I try to focus on the good, but the fact is, sometimes there is bad.

Yesterday I stumbled across an article by J. Daniel Smith I received in a music mailing from Brentwood Benson last year. I think he really hit the nail on the head. If you are a leader in your church or in a type of position that deals with conflict regularly, this is a great outline to go by when you are faced with the situations.

Here is the article he wrote:

I heard a saying recently that I really liked. It went something like this..."Those with experience should never be at the mercy of those with an opinion." Works for me!...now that I have all this experience. However, one thing these years have taught me is that as long as I'm in music ministry I will continue to be at the mercy of those with an opinion. It just goes with the territory. Dealing with conflict is part of that territory as well. Undoubtedly music is the easy part of our job....it's the "people stuff" that'll get you down. Having dealt with conflict in church music ministry on all kinds of levels, I've learned a thing or two and if I'll remind myself of them, they are a tremendous help. may I share them with you?

1. When dealing with conflict, go to the Word. Let me just tell you now that you can't survive in church work without deriving your strength from your personal devotion time. It's in the "secret place" that you'll find your wisdom, strength, emotional stability and everything else you need to make it.

2. Don't chat about the conflict with others....take it to the Lord. It goes against our human need to keep our mouth shut. We so want to be affirmed in our position and we seek those who will give us that affirmation simply because it makes us feel better. But you'll do WAY more damage by talking than if you simply make it a matter of prayer.

3. When facing a conflict, let your emotions settle before reacting or making decisions. Remember that the problem may not actually BE as it appears to you initially. Reacting before the appropriate wait time can be devastating. Get your "cool" back before you do anything.

4. Allow for the fact that you may not have all the information. You may only be dealing with partial truth and need enough time to be sure you've gathered all the necessary information before reacting or making decisions regarding the matter.

5. Here's something I wish I had learned earlier...it would have saved a lot of heartbreak. "Always remember that there is more than one right way to do it!" This is particularly true in creative work. Allowing for someone else's "right way" can be most beneficial...if you can be open enough to do it.

6. Measure the immediate problem in light of long range goals. In doing so, try to take a step back and look at the big picture. If this current issue is a temporary thing, then be sure to give it the appropriate intensity. Don't all it to become a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Here are some questions to ask yourself when facing a conflict:
1. A year or two from now, how would I like to be remembered in how I handled this situation?
2. When the dust blows over, what is going to be left that is still important to me? And how does that affect the way I'll respond to this?
3. How would I handle this if I knew quitting was not an option?
4. What do I need to change? I'm sure I can already tell you what I think YOU should change, but what adjustments could I realistically make that would help this situation or at least calm it down a little?

When the time has come to actually resolve the matter, here's what I suggest you do:

1. Alert the Senior Pastor (or your authority). He/she needs to know your side of the issue and how you intend to handle it. Don't let them hear of this issue from another party. They need to hear it from you.
2. Call upon the Lord to give you wisdom and strength to do the right thing...not necessarily the convenient or comfortable thing.
3. Only deal with the people with whom the problem exists. Don't drag others into it unnecessarily and therewith over-complicate the whole thing.
4. Be sure you're dealing with the truth.
5. Believe in the bedrock integrity of people and appeal to their desire to do right. This requires assuming the best in them whether you feel like it or not! If this matter has become heated, then they may need help getting out of a corner.
Sometimes you have to create the environment to help someone not be a jerk. Your approach with them can make all the difference. This is particularly true if they feel like you believe in something positive in them.
6. When you meet with them, start by just asking questions and do the talking. Your best posture will be that you are simply trying to understand them. Questions like "can you help me understand how we got to this point?" or..."What are you h

oping to see happen here?" You can best break the ice by starting the meeting with questions and let it develop from there.
7. Make it a goal to have a redemptive solution. Find your commonality with the person and appeal to that. If nothing else, you are at least brothers/sisters in Christ. Realize that your methods and preferences may not be the same, but the ultimate goal is something you DO share in common....and that is the advancement of the Kingdom of God.