Something happened at our VBS this year that has stayed with me since. By Wednesday of that week, I was exhausted. It takes a toll on you to be at work all day, go to VBS for 3 hours and then have 30 minute drive home. I also need to mention that a night owl I am not. I do not like being up beyond 10:00. I was tired and cranky on Wednesday and I just prayed all the way to work. I knew I was in a bad mood, but I didn't want it to be a problem. For some reason one particular child came to my mind....Holly.
To give you a little background on her, Mandy and I had been her teachers the year before and God graciously allowed us to be there to witness her acceptance of Jesus as her personal Savior. Before she finally surrendered, she shared several things with us that were going on in her life. Every single thing she shared either Mandy or I had been through. We were able to use those painful things of the past to lead someone to Jesus.
This past VBS every night she was not just singing during the worship rally, she was in the aisle. She didn't care what her peers thought, she didn't care what anyone thought. She was just worshipping. She will probably never know what a blessing she was to me during that week. She will probably never know the lesson God taught me through her.
This morning as I was getting ready I looked down at my blue bracelet (remember the visual reminder from my "Believing God" study) and just for some reason began asking for more boldness. Every time I look at this bracelet, I begin to pray. This morning's prayer kind of scared the heck out of me. No one who knows me would use the words "timid" or "shy" to describe me. The truth is though, in certain situations, I am. I don't remember always being like this though.
This Sunday we will have a 5th Sunday Night Singing. I'm nervous. I'm always nervous. I'm nervous every single Sunday when I get up in front of the church to lead music. I wasn't always nervous though. Mom and I have traveled to countless places to sing and every single time I got up there like it was second nature. Like I was riding a bike. Why is it so hard for me now?
I believe over time we lose our childlike innocence. When Mom and I were singing, I was a teenager. I hadn't gone through so many of the things I have now. Life was good. I had nothing to be worried about. I wasn't concerned what other poeple in the church were thinking about me. Over time we become hardened. I've faced a lot. People know some of what has happened. I also know people. I know their thoughts.
It has also been very difficult for me over the last year since I became a Music Minister to deal with some of what has come along with it. I feel like people look at me as old enough to criticize, but too young to take very seriously. Maybe it's just my own insecurities and self doubt that makes me think these things.
I want to be like Holly. I want to be bold. I want to be like I once was. I don't want to worry about who is going to say what. I want to just stand before God in total awe and worship Him for all He is to me.
There is a song that has a line in it that says "I want to get so close to Him that it's no big change on the day that Jesus calls my name." You know that is possible. I want that. God is going to help me with my boldness. I'm not going to continue allowing a fear of what others think to keep me from worshipping God. Fear will no longer cripple me.
Though no one joins me, still I will follow. Though no one joins me, still I will follow. Though no one joins me, still I will follow. No turning back. No turning back.
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