I've shared on here before that after my surgery I was told that having children was not something that would ever likely happen to me. This was tough to hear. All of my life I've wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother. Hearing that one of those things probably won't happen crushed me. It also made me feel like somehow I would never be able to be worthy of being a wife either. I felt broken and useless for a long time after hearing that news.
I had planned everything in my life around those two things happening to me. When I was in high school I argued with so many teachers and the counselor about my decision not to go on and finish college, especially since I already had some of the credits. "No. I'm going to be a wife and mom," I'd reply. "That's all I want."
I went through a period of feeling hopeless and like I had failed myself. How could I have been so stupid? That question haunted me at least a dozen times a day.
There was one thing that kept me going though. Every day I woke up to three little faces that I loved like my very own children. If I had six children tomorrow I firmly believe I wouldn't love them more than I love Madyson, Luke and Ben. It's because of them that I firmly believe giving birth does not make you a mother. What makes you a mother is the daily tasks that come along with having children. I've wiped dirty fingerprints off of every surface under three feet tall in our house, been peed on, pooped on, thrown up on, been awakened by a child standing over my bed in the middle of the night because they had a bad dream, kissed dirty faces, had dirty hand prints left on white shirts and wiped tears away. You see, for seven years I had lived with little ones.
It is no secret to anyone acquainted with our family that my niece and nephews have always had an absent mother. She always had other things to do and more important places to be. This meant my parents and I witnessed all those important little moments that happen in the daily lives of small children.
In the midst of the chaos that I lived in, I realized that my chance at motherhood may never come but God had given me the incredible gift of being involved in the lives of three precious children. Honestly, what more could I ask?
Then tragedy struck. A judge decided to allow their mother to have custody of them and their world as they knew it was literally turned upside down. I will never forget the day I received the news. I literally became so weak I couldn't stand. I called someone in my office to come relieve me at my desk and I left. How I made it home, I don't know. I don't remember much about the drive. I remember walking in and Luke sitting in my lap sobbing. How do you explain to a 7, 5 and 3 year old that there is nothing you can do? I still don't know the answer to that question.
I went through a long length of time that I simply just felt numb. I honestly had no idea how to pray. When I finally did regain my emotions they were everywhere. They were so extreme I'm sure I would have been better off being numb again. I went from anger, sadness, depression, rage, vengeful to any other emotion you can think of. I was a mess. Plain and simple. A mess.
Since September it's been a learning process. We're learning how to deal. We're learning how to face each day with new hope that God will work a miracle.
It hasn't been easy. There is such a flood of emotions. Mostly, I feel guilt. I feel guilty for continuing my days as normal when I know they are most likely dirty, hungry and not taken care of. I feel guilty for going to bed in a warm house and not knowing if they are warm. I feel guilty for laughing or joking when I know their lives are no longer filled with happiness and laughter.
Several months ago, my pastor started something new in our church. Before voicing a prayer request, you have to voice something you're thankful for. Honestly, when he started this I thought "You have no idea buddy, but I have nothing to be thankful for." Just being real here. It's how I felt.
Since then, I have witnessed people in our church that I happen to know their situations and every time I hear them praising God for how He is working in their lives I lose it. I immediately turn into the ugly cry. I don't cry pretty like they do on tv. (Side note: I don't think I do anything pretty now that I think of it.) We all DO have so much to be thankful for. During those times I couldn't pray for lack of words, I would just thank Him for what He was doing in my life. See, sometimes we see the trees and not the forest. We miss the big picture. We miss what He's doing in our lives. I know God is working. He's given me such a peace and I know He has such an awesome plan in line that it's going to blow us all away when we see it all unfold. Until then, we just have to thank Him for working on it. I'm sure you've heard it before, but God's ways are not our ways. His time is not our time. That alone is something to be thankful for. He's better at running my life than I am anyway. I always just make a big mess of it.
How will things work out for them? I don't know. I can honestly say though, that I'm at peace. I pray the three kids are in God's hands and in His protection. I'm also at peace about my own future. I don't know if I'll ever be married but that's ok. I'm learning to be thankful for each season of my life as it comes. If I've learned one thing, it's that God is faithful. He's always there and He's never let me down. He's proven to be trustworthy and I have to let him have my life, my family, my friends and everything else I worry over. I have to let go and let Him handle it.
When storms come our way, we have to keep praising Him. Yesterday I was texting my cousin and she said it was going to rain today but she was glad because she could wear her cute, new rain boots. "I can wear mine too!" I responded.
So, when you know a storm is coming, go ahead and be thankful. We always have SOMETHING to be thankful for.....even if it's new rain boots.
I also wanted to share this video. This song is seriously my testimony. I was fortunate enough to sing it this past Sunday and it spoke to so many, I wanted you all to hear it too.
Ben's friend, the train operator. 
